This I tell; but to the world I was – And was not. (Rabindranath Tagore, Sankhyakanda Gita
One day, a man and his wife were sitting in the living room watching television. The woman said, “You’re not the man I married.”
The man said, “That’s alright. I’m not the man you married, either.”
The woman said, “You know what, you’re both the man I’m looking for.”
The man laughed and said, “You know what, that’s real love.”
Next day, the man came home, and the woman greeted him at the door. She said, “Welcome home, dear. Is the burger still good?”
The man laughed and said, “You know, the funny thing is, neither is the woman.”
The man answered, “That’s funny.”
Next day the man came home.
The woman greeted him at the door. She said, “Hi, Honey! How was your day?”
The man said, “Actually, it was great. I had a great day. I went to the bar and met a nice girl, we had a few laughs, and then I came home and had sex with you.”
The woman said, “You bastard. I had a great day, too.”

After telling my story to the preacher, I told my girl friend and her eyes got real big.
We decided to move in together. So we did. It was great for the first couple of months. I never did get around to telling the preacher, but I think he’s gone now. He had to leave town. People can’t take all this anger and hatred.
There’s this one guy in town who can sure come up with some good lines.
I was having a bad day and I decided to hang out at the bar. A couple of hours later I walked out with two six packs and a six pack of beer.
I went to the gas station for some cigs and asked the guy behind the counter how much a pack of cigarettes was.
He told me they were on sale for five dollars.
I asked him how much a box of matches was.
He said they were on sale for five dollars.
I said okay, I’ll take two packs of matches.
When I came home I saw this note on my door from my landlord, he said I have to move in one week. So I called my girl friend, told her I was moving out.
She was crying so hard I had to ask her what was wrong. She said, “You mean you don’t have a job?”
I said, “No, I don’t.” She was crying so hard I said, “Are you happy now?”
One night, a little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man, and noticed that he had a dry skin condition. The little boy looked at the man, and decided that he would take his money, which was five dollars, and give him a wet wipe.
The man looked at the boy, smiled, and said, “That’s very kind of you. May I ask why you are giving me a wet wipe?”
The little boy explained, “Because you have a dry skin condition.”
The man said, “How much money did you have in your pocket before you gave me that wet wipe?”
The little boy said, “I had twenty dollars.”
The man said, “Thank you. You are a very, very, very special little boy. You gave me a wet wipe, which is worth a lot more than twenty dollars. I have a dry skin condition, too, and I’ve been using the wet wipes you gave me for years. Now you have made my day. I now have twenty dollars.”
And then the little boy said, “May I please borrow five dollars?”
The man said, “OK, but first let me ask you one more question.” The boy said, “Sure, what is it?”
The man said, “Are you absolutely sure that the five dollars I gave you is yours?”
The boy said, “Yes, sir. If it weren’t, I’d have kept it.”
Now, the man was silent for a minute, then he said, “Then I guess I can forgive you for asking me the stupid question.”

My therapist is more often correct than not.
The therapist’s office was located down in a seedy part of town. There was a guy who hung out there all day, trying to pick up girls.
I heard him tell a woman once that, if he could just find some dirty laundry, he’d be set for the night.
Then I heard the woman tell the guy, “They don’t wash dirty laundry in this town.”
I heard the guy tell her, “Good night, Mrs. Scott. And thank you for clearing up that misconception.”

A group of seniors were playing golf one afternoon. One of the seniors said to the others, “I wonder if there’s a drug I could take that would give me eternal life?”
One of the golfers then said, “I know exactly what you mean. There’s a pill I could take that would let me see across the room without moving.”
“The thought had never occurred to me.”
“Well,” said the golfer, “there is one other pill I can take.
It would let me see into the future. “
“How?” “Oh, it’s easy. All I have to do is take a pill, lie back, and the future will appear to me.”
“But how do you know what the future will be?”
“I’m not sure,” said the golfer, “but I think it will involve golf.”

There was a blind man with only one eye who asked a professor: “I’ve never understood how God saw it fit to give one eye to each man.