Tag Archives: #dying

SOONER OR LATER THE DISEASE WILL SPREAD

Hey, hey, hey, hey!
The biggest market is pacifiers
You know what goes in pacifiers?
Another mouth to feed.
A vagina to suck!

I went to the market and said, ‘Hell, no!
‘Give me an organic glue
“If only we had time we would have inserted a fucking hole
in my balls. I could have given her diabetes.
Yeah, I could have forced her to eat cheese!
That smells like my wife’s pussy”
No (i have no wife! no!!!!!!)
Going back to nature is not just about foraging:
You have to stop
You have to let go
You have to give up
You have to ask, ‘How can I have this?
I don’t know about water.
I’ve always had a problem with water
And everyone refuses to feed Love.
Life so full of secrets. Then again,
something about water.

You’re searching for more than
What I have. Because something’s got to be
better than this!

Nothing is better than this.

When it’s time to give up, to move on
and to let go; to get to the next level
it’s a little later in the day. Hey.
I’m off to find water. I don’t know where it is
but it’s there.

This island is in trouble: our government is out of control
and sooner or later the disease will spread.

It will kill us all!
In my arms I cradle a gun
It is mine and only mine.
I need a drop to survive
If only I can find a vein
My mouth is watering
with the sweet relief
of Love’s heroin.

But it is not enough. My heart is racing like a fish on a line.

I have to leave but I cannot. My fingers are shaking
my veins are dry.
I need a drop to survive
I need a drop to survive
And the worst of it is I don’t know where it is.
But it is there.

I don’t know how to find it
I’m looking for water or Love?!?

Ohh
Ohh

I’m looking for water
Ohh Ohh
Water!

Ohh

I need a drop to survive

:: 12.23.2020 ::


THE INNOCENTY OF THE WATERS

PEOPLE with eating disorders are “allowed” to keep their identity secret. You’re not allowed to be a person.
You are simply “a stomach that ate.”
Everyone who sees you has a lot of power over you. You must be nice to them, speak in a certain way, present
yourself in a certain way, and never be so self-conscious that you don’t want to eat.

You don’t want to eat because if you did, you would be severely sick.

You wouldn’t be in control of your life.

You would be a creature.

You would be weak.

It was during my treatment that I learned who I really was.

I understood that my eating disorder could be cured, because it was merely a disease of mind and body.
I didn’t have to be afraid of food, because it’s a powerful human tool.
I knew that I was not being a stomach that ate; I was a person who had been infected by a brain that
wanted control. My illness wanted to make me not a person but a mind that ate.

A mind that went through life being controlled, and told what to do, and how to feel.
A mind that no longer could think for itself.
A mind that wanted to give up control, but didn’t know how.
A mind that could think but couldn’t act.

I understood that I had to take back control of my life.

I had to make myself be a person who was not a stomach that ate.

I was a girl who thought, and had dreams, and wasn’t a blob.
I was young.
I was a daughter.

I had big plans for the future.

I was a Christian.

I was a girl, who needed love, and felt loved.

I needed to be loved, and loved.

I wanted to be strong, and able to live a life that my illness would never again keep me from.
I wanted to make a difference in the world, and to love others.

I needed to learn to love myself, and to use my illness to help me learn how to love myself.

I could choose.
I would choose.
I would love myself.

I could have a beautiful life.
I could be happy.

In order to be healthy, I had to learn to let go of that which I didn’t need.

I needed to let go of the need to control my life.
I needed to let go of that which scared me and made me afraid.
I needed to let go of the struggle to know what to do next.
I needed to let go of the confusion of what I wanted and who to be.
I needed to let go of the struggle to say no.
I needed to learn to say yes.
I needed to let go of my imagination, because life doesn’t work that way.
I needed to let go of my imagination, because my illness was reality.
I needed to let go of my imagination, because my disorder was my life.
I needed to let go of my personality, because my illness was my character.
I needed to learn to find my own self.
I needed to learn to let go of being tired of not being a stomach that ate.
I needed to learn to be a person, because being a person is what I wanted most.

And after I learned how to let go of that which I didn’t need, I became a person that my illness no longer could control.

I learned to say yes.
I learned to say no.
I learned to laugh, and be silly.
I learned to cry, and have emotions.
I learned to write, and speak, and love.
I learned to have fun, and to love life.
I knew how to make choices, because my disorder was not only no longer controlling my life, but was helping me to make choices.

My eating disorder was the healthiest thing that had ever happened to me.
It was a sickness of the mind, and a sickness of the body.
It was a sickness of the body that was a sickness of the mind.
It was a sickness of the mind, that could be treated, and a sickness of the mind, that could not.

I learned, over time, how to say yes.
I learned to say no.
I learned to find my voice.
I learned how to be brave.

I had not learned how to be brave when I was diagnosed, but I learned it with the help of my mind and my illness.

I learned how to be brave, because I had to be.

I had to be strong.
I had to be able to overcome this disorder, and be brave, because there was no other option.

I needed to be brave, for me, for my parents, for my friends, for my boyfriend, and for everyone who loved me.
I had to be brave.
I learned to say yes.
I learned to live in a world of uncertainty.
I had to live with the uncertainty that my mind and my stomach might not agree with.
I had to live with the uncertainty that my disorder would destroy everything that I ever wanted in life.
I had to live in uncertainty, for me, for my parents, for my friends, for my boyfriend, and for everyone who loved me.

:: 10.22.2020 ::


TEXTURED SUN

skies so blue
scars so dull
life’s wild
love so cold

textured sun
within my mind-
shield:

every time a
big lost
fight to the
end — takes
both my hands

frown
forgiven
smiles
bring the
sun.

:: 08.19.2020 ::


DEPARTURE (EPROBLES)

i met my mind inside a hampering down
across the skies of my expansive face
those elder souls we never see came to me
and you: in dreams. i allow the sun to
beat down upon my face and breath its winds
: the elder race
spoke from atop the
clouds singing everything
to be revealed in time.
I was strong and stressed
for not a word i heard or note
oh oh oh — the skies scream
horns and unusual things.
ooooooh. Yea. I am blind.
Everything seen is within my
eyes you sang/bled /visions
gleam in every air.
try to find you
try to recapture everything
had/ far sounds of cities,
in early evening: within
that place of yellow desert
scream//so much so and so
everything known

:: 07.31.2020 ::


MORTICIAN MAKEUP

she wore
mortician’s
makeup above
the once
breathing
pores || i died
once,twice &
more ||then buried
was she within a
barren field of
nothing more.

:: 07.12.2020 ::


GOD BLESS YOUR HEARTS

i forgive all when she sings
“over” (mother of my children)
so such a shame and it brings my
children to say:
“bless you for the heart you sing dad”
so i say we’re the same when we’re to-
gether (so strange) without Her : so
God bless our hearts
for the song you sing my children,
for the hearts you are removes the darkness
of our falling apart — all
ah – for the heart you bring every time you are:
ooh ooh ooh and God Bless
your Hearts! My (such a shame) without your mother:
but sun lights this song you sing — OUR HEARTS.

:: 07.11.2020 ::


COME BACK DOWN (from this cloud)

\what of love? What of hate?
i say no word as no one knows
shall see & feel the (k)not —
of what i need___
grinning and begging
are hands-machine-like
hearts of no good too
quick i know this !
oh never coming down
from this cloud; is hands
is work since born is good
//so should’a so should have
-things nothing i say
a pregnant size of one good
Yes completely Kind____this
immeasurable anguish like the
scent of summer flowers of always
their flowers of stone so silently
singing.

:: 07.03.2020 ::


MISERABLE WITH NO CLARITY

Me! Miserable and no clarity
in which way to fly
Nothing but infinite wrath
I have then flown to Hell
as I feel I am myself Hell;
and the gaping MOUTH of
infinite despair
Wishes to DEVOUR me
and shows me a Hell more
like a Heaven than where
i now am.

:: 05-10-2019 ::


LIVING GHOST OF PAST MEMORIES

NEAR the end of everything
life became more clearer
the whisper became loudly:

i should be laughing
i should be crying
i should be hanging —
up there

so do not come to my grave
because i am still walking
{i am not there]
do not bring me flowers
because i left my heart
beneath a growing garden
(it’s all within my will)

You know that love desires
valleys so deep like an ocean
and the highest of hills
within its swollen rolls
like a mystery mixed in a potion

And   everything is made of love;
like a thousand winds that blow
like a smile it kills the heart’s pain
Unlike the day the world came apart
and    the sun burned out
and    the moon fell down
and    the fire became so cold

So i am dead but still walking;
the living ghost of past memories.

:: 05-31-2018 ::


I’M NOT HERE

SKIN is my lie,
and beneath the flesh
called lust
it told me,

“you are ME”

I walked a mile
and met my space
where I dream life
and thought it through

My flesh lied as all
dying things do
I love it for trying
but always, I knew
my eternal being!

I’m not here.

:: 11-04-2014 ::