Tag Archives: #sick

SOONER OR LATER THE DISEASE WILL SPREAD

Hey, hey, hey, hey!
The biggest market is pacifiers
You know what goes in pacifiers?
Another mouth to feed.
A vagina to suck!

I went to the market and said, ‘Hell, no!
‘Give me an organic glue
“If only we had time we would have inserted a fucking hole
in my balls. I could have given her diabetes.
Yeah, I could have forced her to eat cheese!
That smells like my wife’s pussy”
No (i have no wife! no!!!!!!)
Going back to nature is not just about foraging:
You have to stop
You have to let go
You have to give up
You have to ask, ‘How can I have this?
I don’t know about water.
I’ve always had a problem with water
And everyone refuses to feed Love.
Life so full of secrets. Then again,
something about water.

You’re searching for more than
What I have. Because something’s got to be
better than this!

Nothing is better than this.

When it’s time to give up, to move on
and to let go; to get to the next level
it’s a little later in the day. Hey.
I’m off to find water. I don’t know where it is
but it’s there.

This island is in trouble: our government is out of control
and sooner or later the disease will spread.

It will kill us all!
In my arms I cradle a gun
It is mine and only mine.
I need a drop to survive
If only I can find a vein
My mouth is watering
with the sweet relief
of Love’s heroin.

But it is not enough. My heart is racing like a fish on a line.

I have to leave but I cannot. My fingers are shaking
my veins are dry.
I need a drop to survive
I need a drop to survive
And the worst of it is I don’t know where it is.
But it is there.

I don’t know how to find it
I’m looking for water or Love?!?

Ohh
Ohh

I’m looking for water
Ohh Ohh
Water!

Ohh

I need a drop to survive

:: 12.23.2020 ::


THE INNOCENTY OF THE WATERS

PEOPLE with eating disorders are “allowed” to keep their identity secret. You’re not allowed to be a person.
You are simply “a stomach that ate.”
Everyone who sees you has a lot of power over you. You must be nice to them, speak in a certain way, present
yourself in a certain way, and never be so self-conscious that you don’t want to eat.

You don’t want to eat because if you did, you would be severely sick.

You wouldn’t be in control of your life.

You would be a creature.

You would be weak.

It was during my treatment that I learned who I really was.

I understood that my eating disorder could be cured, because it was merely a disease of mind and body.
I didn’t have to be afraid of food, because it’s a powerful human tool.
I knew that I was not being a stomach that ate; I was a person who had been infected by a brain that
wanted control. My illness wanted to make me not a person but a mind that ate.

A mind that went through life being controlled, and told what to do, and how to feel.
A mind that no longer could think for itself.
A mind that wanted to give up control, but didn’t know how.
A mind that could think but couldn’t act.

I understood that I had to take back control of my life.

I had to make myself be a person who was not a stomach that ate.

I was a girl who thought, and had dreams, and wasn’t a blob.
I was young.
I was a daughter.

I had big plans for the future.

I was a Christian.

I was a girl, who needed love, and felt loved.

I needed to be loved, and loved.

I wanted to be strong, and able to live a life that my illness would never again keep me from.
I wanted to make a difference in the world, and to love others.

I needed to learn to love myself, and to use my illness to help me learn how to love myself.

I could choose.
I would choose.
I would love myself.

I could have a beautiful life.
I could be happy.

In order to be healthy, I had to learn to let go of that which I didn’t need.

I needed to let go of the need to control my life.
I needed to let go of that which scared me and made me afraid.
I needed to let go of the struggle to know what to do next.
I needed to let go of the confusion of what I wanted and who to be.
I needed to let go of the struggle to say no.
I needed to learn to say yes.
I needed to let go of my imagination, because life doesn’t work that way.
I needed to let go of my imagination, because my illness was reality.
I needed to let go of my imagination, because my disorder was my life.
I needed to let go of my personality, because my illness was my character.
I needed to learn to find my own self.
I needed to learn to let go of being tired of not being a stomach that ate.
I needed to learn to be a person, because being a person is what I wanted most.

And after I learned how to let go of that which I didn’t need, I became a person that my illness no longer could control.

I learned to say yes.
I learned to say no.
I learned to laugh, and be silly.
I learned to cry, and have emotions.
I learned to write, and speak, and love.
I learned to have fun, and to love life.
I knew how to make choices, because my disorder was not only no longer controlling my life, but was helping me to make choices.

My eating disorder was the healthiest thing that had ever happened to me.
It was a sickness of the mind, and a sickness of the body.
It was a sickness of the body that was a sickness of the mind.
It was a sickness of the mind, that could be treated, and a sickness of the mind, that could not.

I learned, over time, how to say yes.
I learned to say no.
I learned to find my voice.
I learned how to be brave.

I had not learned how to be brave when I was diagnosed, but I learned it with the help of my mind and my illness.

I learned how to be brave, because I had to be.

I had to be strong.
I had to be able to overcome this disorder, and be brave, because there was no other option.

I needed to be brave, for me, for my parents, for my friends, for my boyfriend, and for everyone who loved me.
I had to be brave.
I learned to say yes.
I learned to live in a world of uncertainty.
I had to live with the uncertainty that my mind and my stomach might not agree with.
I had to live with the uncertainty that my disorder would destroy everything that I ever wanted in life.
I had to live in uncertainty, for me, for my parents, for my friends, for my boyfriend, and for everyone who loved me.

:: 10.22.2020 ::


L I S T E N

Listen. Today i lost my voice — it left upward looking for my mind.
sometimes the strangeness of Life becomes reality and nothing more.
today i found myself within a garden of snakes and meat-devouring
plants. If not for the purple skies it would have been a wasted
experience. Meeting God was an experience before i found myself
inside a fetus that became my physical body.
the doves sang a brilliant but sometimes somber song;
peace of a piece so small it became nothing before i could
touch it’s sharp and exquisite edge.
Listen.
Today i lost my mind.
and my voice flew downward looking for sanity.

:: 09.11.2020 ::


GOD BLESS YOUR HEARTS

i forgive all when she sings
“over” (mother of my children)
so such a shame and it brings my
children to say:
“bless you for the heart you sing dad”
so i say we’re the same when we’re to-
gether (so strange) without Her : so
God bless our hearts
for the song you sing my children,
for the hearts you are removes the darkness
of our falling apart — all
ah – for the heart you bring every time you are:
ooh ooh ooh and God Bless
your Hearts! My (such a shame) without your mother:
but sun lights this song you sing — OUR HEARTS.

:: 07.11.2020 ::


DROWN ALL FEARS THAT SHALL DISAPPEAR

IF my eyelids & smile abate,
If i ever get a pinch of taste
of forgiven love
  Will I see eyes of green or
blue?  oh i chose the North,
or the land of Vines?
 — instead cold & damp and feelings;
the tired winds my friend ; longing
are hopes for a wrong thing —
her hair array:  so now to become
the traveler of yore
within a blessed quote of, “come oh
will you not come — won’t you come
to me?”
    those green leafs shall never
open it’s presence toward those
doors to me again.

:: 07.10.2020 ::

i will take on any noticed poet today
and give him 1000.00 USD if the masses
say he is better than me. Offer expires
07/21/2020

All apply


PONTIUS PILATE

PONTIUS PILATE

ANCIENT land
old ancient tongue
(mysteries unrevealed)
hate my longevity
hate my Heart
An old man hauling sand
asked me a for a coin
of a Roman figurehead — Pontius Pilate!
your part of the Crucifixion
was marked not only in Human history
but within the Celestial Heavens
the summer cooks grass
and life — history cooked all those
who were too blind! Mad! Mad!
Ancient Land – 2020 now —
crazy hearts crazy Souls
unhinged — too (haaaaaa!) Blind!
Mad! Mad!

:: 07.08.2020 ::


MY FRIENDS

AND if I ever call you
my friend ~
Tears and weak knees my love
Whenever I begin
my eyes cry and a hard
shoulder forever!
And now I dream my love
I begin to undrstand all
all within your eyes!
And now I know my life is more
and in every moment there is
a reason to carry on! Oh!
Sweet love! It’s a miracle
and a beautiful sight —
\ and if when I ever call
you friend; here we are
for ever and ever
— forever and ever like
a dream kissed; and now
I know my life has given me
more than a sweet dream.
And that is everything I dreamed
And now I know life has given
me more than memories!
A reason to carry on!
So now, within the sea of love
we all wish to swim in life
— so call me. call me.

OH, everyone call me.
I think I have the heart
to heart your love.
So love. Love me.
I love you.

:: 12-16-2017 ::


A SICK MIND SINGS

IN the bright sun of a dark day
i sing and sign a work with
a triumphant flourish –killer
signature and in disarrayed eyes
an imprint of a botched incident

you’ll find it you’ll find it

i can hear the dogs of war
coming to get me i hear them

A position of my subject in
humiliation; exposure a bite
in a specific manner, i cover
the face and their hair;
tie ligatures with an unusual knot
— red flowers so crimson they
hide the hate of my heart

A portrait of eyes in a study room
shows a fixation on eyes, taxidermy
young blonde women disavowed;
disemboweled in public holidays,
“red spider” cryptic ink so red
you can find where the dogs begin
to smell them — a sick mind sings

AND I FEEL and i feel when the dogs
begin to smell her — oooh….
some craft a signature for effect
as well to set him apart as
the elite killer.

:: 07-30-2015 ::


THE MOST SINCEREST SLOGAN unprinted

“It’s not a great product
but you got to spend your
hard earned money!”

:: 07-03-2015 ::


HUMANS – HORROR REVEALED

concerning the vampire

humans are worse —

the vampire drink blood

but humans

consume the carcass

 

:: 03-27-2014 ::